Growing up, you are always asked the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” I remember giving a few different answers, and many would be amazing jobs, but I was never passionate about any of them. I knew I always wanted to be a mother, but I never really gave that as an answer. I always had friends and hobbies, but never quite felt like I had found something I was truly passionate about or where I felt I really “fit in” like I had wanted to. I was married young, and the role I received being a wife started to make me feel like I was on the right path. We decided that we would like to earn our bachelors degrees before starting to add children into our family.
Two months after I finished my classes, we found out we were expecting! Immediately, I felt at peace and honestly that I was in the perfect place. My pregnancy was free of complications and I delivered a sweet baby boy in November of 2019. I knew from that moment on that my life was exactly where I needed it, and a mother was the best thing I could ever be. Going back to work was very difficult for me, I just wanted to stay home with my baby. I think this is a type of heartache that people don’t talk about a lot. Finances change with a child and quitting work didn’t seem to be a possibility at the time. I was lucky enough to work some hours from home and others at the office. My husband and I made our schedules work so one of us could be with our baby at all times. But, it was still really difficult and caused a lot of anxiety in my life. When our son was just about four months old, the pandemic hit and I was able to exclusively work from home. It sounds terrible because the reason was the pandemic, but it did feel like an answer to my prayers.
Beautifully Lost in Motherhood
A few months later, we moved states for my husband to start medical school. I quit my job and became an exclusive stay at home mom. Our little boy was my world and was my saving grace during this time. Living away from family and then having my husband's grueling school schedule, and now living in the big city really took a toll on my mental health. I was so grateful our son gave me a reason to get out of bed, spend time outdoors, make good food, and find joy in the little things in life. I was able to truly find my purpose in motherhood.
Change is a Good, but Scary Thing
When our son turned two years old, we decided it was time to add another baby to our family. In January 2022, we found out we were expecting again! This time it felt different though. I didn’t feel very excited, and almost scared that I would be having another baby. I loved my life with my toddler and we were happy, why would I ruin that groove we had? And then I felt terrible for wanting a baby and now not being so sure about it. Prenatal depression threw me in for a big curve because it was so unexpected. After the first trimester, it got better but still lingered a bit and I could never quite feel connected to the baby I was carrying. I was worried for my toddler and how we would make everything work.
In September of 2022, we delivered our second baby boy and the feeling of sadness immediately went away. I held my baby and I knew we were in the right place. They tell you that adding a child they just fit right in and your heart grows, and it is so, so true. Now I get to hug and kiss my two little blessings every single day.
Motherhood is a Miracle
I know this isn’t an amazing story of any kind, but a good reminder that motherhood is a miracle, and every story is worth sharing. Angels are helping us through our everyday lives as mothers. Being called “mama” brings me so much joy and purpose. Being a mother, I have truly found my home.